Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
There are leaves in my underwear?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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