Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
