My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
