How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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