Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
