My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
