Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
