I faked an abortion last night.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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