I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
