I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
