Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
