I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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