so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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