Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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