just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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