So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
