She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
