My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
