haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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