Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
