fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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