Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Randomize
