i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
