my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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