I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
