remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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