I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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