I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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