I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
