I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
