I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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