Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
