I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
