JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
