My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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