I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
