I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
