Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
