no, he came in my armpit
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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