pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
