1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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