I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
