I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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