I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
