oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Randomize