Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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