the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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