My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Quick, to the slutcave!
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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