the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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