I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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