Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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