i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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