the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
