Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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